For your birthday, I thought I’d make you a list of all the ways I contributed to our failed relationship, for time and distance have revealed to me how I, too, was culpable.
In no particular order:
1) Every time I was attracted to another person, be it in a dream or during waking hours, I confessed this to you. I told myself I was doing it for you. I wanted to be completely honest. But really I was selfishly trying to relieve my own guilt.
2) Because I loathe them, I refused to ever let you listen to the Grateful Dead, nor were you allowed to play them on your guitar. Yes, the sound of their so-called music incites in me a violent urge to scream whilst tearing apart innocent teddy bears, but they were your favorite band.
3) On a similar note, I shouldn’t have made fun of you for grieving when Jerry Garcia died and telling you jokes such as Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavor being Bury Garcia.
4) When you finally went out and got a new girlfriend—a girlfriend who happened to be my manager at the time (but never mind about that)—I seduced you to win you back, even though I did not really want to be with you.
5) You were right, I had no interest in you when things weren’t going well for you.
6) I broke up with you like it was a business transaction, explaining how everything has a cost and a value and sometimes the value is no longer worth the cost. It was cold, and I felt nothing.
7) I wasn’t clear when we broke up, saying I wanted to see other people, when I really should have said I no longer wanted to see you.
8) I wanted you to be available for me when I called, but I did not want to hear from you, and the moment you reached out, I would cut you off again.
9) I wouldn’t let you sleep in my bed most of the time when we lived together, and made you sleep in the basement with those creepy silverfish. In my defense, it was my roommate who asked you to move in.
10) You would do things like pack me lunch for work, which was a loving gesture, and I only resented you for it.
Now, I know it’s your birthday, and I probably shouldn’t bring it up today, but getting older is also about growth, so I want to make sure you, too, are aware of how your contributed to our demise.
1) You were always telling me how dependent and attached I was to you, when really it was the other way around.
2) When we were together, you didn’t pay attention to me. When we’d go out to eat, for instance, the whole time, you’d be reading some book about computer programming.
3) Likewise, when you’d want to spend the night in my bed, mostly you’d hang out at the end of it reading some fucking book.
4) Your feminist suggestions were usually guised misogyny. You’d suggest I did not need to wear pads at night when I had my period but could just bleed all over the sheets. When I explained I did not want to do that, you suggested we could just lay out a towel. When I retorted I did not want to be covered in blood because it feels sticky and gross, you chastised me because your ex-girlfriend did it and even made her own pads. Same goes with you trying to force me to stop shaving.
5) You did not want me to take birth control pills, p because it was bad for my health. Nor did you want to use condoms. You insisted you could master this Taoist sex practice and regenerate your orgasms. I ended up pregnant. Thankfully, I had a miscarriage.
6) You resented me for being smarter than you were. You refused to explain anything to me because I had to figure it out for myself, but when you got your first programming job before me, you expected me to come into your office at night and help you do your job.
7) Let’s not forget that time in the loft bed at my mother’s house. Sure, you didn’t hold a knife to my throat or anything, but I still said “no” and tried to push you away. You ignored me, pretending you didn’t hear me. Or maybe you thought I was playing a game, willfully overlooking the tears streaming down my face.
Oh, that reminds me of something else that I did that contributed to the downfall of our relationship. I stayed with you after that incident, and I said nothing. I bit my tongue, let it go… after all, boys will be boys.
In no particular order:
1) Every time I was attracted to another person, be it in a dream or during waking hours, I confessed this to you. I told myself I was doing it for you. I wanted to be completely honest. But really I was selfishly trying to relieve my own guilt.
2) Because I loathe them, I refused to ever let you listen to the Grateful Dead, nor were you allowed to play them on your guitar. Yes, the sound of their so-called music incites in me a violent urge to scream whilst tearing apart innocent teddy bears, but they were your favorite band.
3) On a similar note, I shouldn’t have made fun of you for grieving when Jerry Garcia died and telling you jokes such as Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream flavor being Bury Garcia.
4) When you finally went out and got a new girlfriend—a girlfriend who happened to be my manager at the time (but never mind about that)—I seduced you to win you back, even though I did not really want to be with you.
5) You were right, I had no interest in you when things weren’t going well for you.
6) I broke up with you like it was a business transaction, explaining how everything has a cost and a value and sometimes the value is no longer worth the cost. It was cold, and I felt nothing.
7) I wasn’t clear when we broke up, saying I wanted to see other people, when I really should have said I no longer wanted to see you.
8) I wanted you to be available for me when I called, but I did not want to hear from you, and the moment you reached out, I would cut you off again.
9) I wouldn’t let you sleep in my bed most of the time when we lived together, and made you sleep in the basement with those creepy silverfish. In my defense, it was my roommate who asked you to move in.
10) You would do things like pack me lunch for work, which was a loving gesture, and I only resented you for it.
Now, I know it’s your birthday, and I probably shouldn’t bring it up today, but getting older is also about growth, so I want to make sure you, too, are aware of how your contributed to our demise.
1) You were always telling me how dependent and attached I was to you, when really it was the other way around.
2) When we were together, you didn’t pay attention to me. When we’d go out to eat, for instance, the whole time, you’d be reading some book about computer programming.
3) Likewise, when you’d want to spend the night in my bed, mostly you’d hang out at the end of it reading some fucking book.
4) Your feminist suggestions were usually guised misogyny. You’d suggest I did not need to wear pads at night when I had my period but could just bleed all over the sheets. When I explained I did not want to do that, you suggested we could just lay out a towel. When I retorted I did not want to be covered in blood because it feels sticky and gross, you chastised me because your ex-girlfriend did it and even made her own pads. Same goes with you trying to force me to stop shaving.
5) You did not want me to take birth control pills, p because it was bad for my health. Nor did you want to use condoms. You insisted you could master this Taoist sex practice and regenerate your orgasms. I ended up pregnant. Thankfully, I had a miscarriage.
6) You resented me for being smarter than you were. You refused to explain anything to me because I had to figure it out for myself, but when you got your first programming job before me, you expected me to come into your office at night and help you do your job.
7) Let’s not forget that time in the loft bed at my mother’s house. Sure, you didn’t hold a knife to my throat or anything, but I still said “no” and tried to push you away. You ignored me, pretending you didn’t hear me. Or maybe you thought I was playing a game, willfully overlooking the tears streaming down my face.
Oh, that reminds me of something else that I did that contributed to the downfall of our relationship. I stayed with you after that incident, and I said nothing. I bit my tongue, let it go… after all, boys will be boys.
Comments
Post a Comment